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It’s Okay Not to Love Your Newborn

category:0 – 1 year (baby)


One mom told me how one day when her baby was a few months old she was playing with her baby and it just hit her. She instantly fell in love with her baby. Another mom said that it was a gradual feeling and how it took a few months for that overflowing kind of love to come.

I was very thankful for this advice. I was proud of my baby and I loved her, but I didn’t have that overwhelming kind of love for her when I brought her home. I was wrapped up in recovering from labor, learning how to breastfeed, guests and dinners, and getting sleep. I didn’t really have time to focus on her as my daughter. I was doing what I had to do. I remember I kept saying to myself, “I have a daughter!” Mother’s Day was six days after my baby was born and it still didn’t sink in that I was a mom. Eventually over a few weeks that ushy-gushy, overwhelming love came. I would do anything for her and I really love her.



29 Responses to It’s Okay Not to Love Your Newborn

  • Comment bySharon M
    February 13, 2008 @1:10 am

    这是一个很好的读/ c,但我觉得我的儿子立即“爱债券”,我真的没有和我的女儿(我想是B / C我太忙了追逐上述儿子)。但现在我崇拜她。我可以看到她的一些个性特征来通过,看着朱利安与她互动这么有趣。

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    Comment by Trina
    February 13, 2008 @9:45 am

    I had a similar experience. Because I did not get to hold her as soon as she was born, she went to the NICU, I am not sure if that is why I did not form that bond as quickly. It was very surreal for me. I knew the baby I was looking at was my daughter but I was not really able to intact with her in the hospital. She never took to breastfeeding due to her problems so we also did not bond in that way either. So I think it is an important subject matter for other mom’s like me where it did take a while. I think my husband had the whole love when she first entered into the world. He also helped me push and guide her out so I think that really bonded him. I hope my next delivery and baby are easier and we bond sooner that I did with Brielle. But I still love the experience I had and am grateful for it.
    She is now my world and I wouldn’t know how I lived without her before.

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    February 14, 2008 @上午11:27

    Wow….this really hit a nerve. It took me some time to feel that strong love bond with Caleb. Caleb was not a planned pregnancy. Finding out I was pregnant left my husband and I completely speechless. He didn’t say anything to me for at least 5 minutes (but it felt like eternity). He refused to believe the pregnancy stick was correct until I got a blood test done at the hospital.

    我立刻觉得有点愤怒because I felt the timing was all wrong. I’m a planner by nature, and I had my husband and my life planned out for another year. We loved the freedom of not having kids and being about to travel and do things spontaneously. The thought of it all coming to an end (or so we thought) did not settle well with us.

    My pregnancy with Caleb was the worst! The doctor had prescribed me every possible medicated aid to help me with the morning sickness. I nearly had to quit my job because I was lucky to put in 2 days of work a week during first 4 months. I also experienced gestational diabetes, pregnancy-induced hyptertension, then preeclampsia to end the whole ordeal with 41 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing. I did not enjoy my pregnancy or my labor/delivery as a result. I really believed God was punishing me.

    My husband instantly fell in love with our son. The love I felt for Caleb was gradual. Breastfeeding felt like a chore, not a mother/son bonding experience. The first 3 months I felt like the world’s worst mother. How could I not be “in love” with my child? Here I am blessed with my own child while there are couples in the world who can’t have a biological child of their own. It was at the 3 months mark when we found out my husband was leaving in 6 months to deploy to the Middle East. My attitude immediately changed and it hit me how God’s timing is ALWAYS PERFECT! I was humbled big-time and immediately began to feel remorse and guilt for the bitterness I felt from the day I found out I was pregnant. How stupid and idiotic was I to think I was in control of my life!?


    对不起这是小说。这只是opened up a lot of emotions and my fingers just couldn’t stop tapping away at the keyboard.

  • Comment by阿曼达
    February 14, 2008 @11:43 am

    Thank you ladies for sharing your stories!! It makes everyone who reads them know that they are not alone in their feelings.

    @Heidi – Wow! Thank you for sharing your story! It was very encouraging. It is true, God knows best, even when we don’t. I am so happy you had a second chance to experience the excitement of pregnancy! Caleb and Ava is so adorable! I am so happy that I get to watch her Wednesday mornings. I would hold her in my lap the entire time if I could.:)

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    Comment byMommy Zabs
    February 17, 2008 @8:22 pm

    My first labor was really bad. I was in post op for 2 hours. I don’t recall necessarily feeling that I didn’t love my newborn, but I was distracted by SO MANY feelings and in a lot of pain, add that to lack of sleep and hormones and It was hard to sit and actually feel the love i had for my little one. It felt more obligatory than anything. Another thing that I needed to do. As I healed and got more rest I was finally able to feel the Love I had for him. Great post.

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    February 18, 2008 @下午1:07

    This was great advice … thankfully you (Amanda) gave it to me before Morgan was born so I didn’t have to deal with feelings of guilt when the love wasn’t immediately there. Now I can’t imagine not being COMPLETELY in love with her!

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    Comment bypickel
    2008年2月21日@10:58 pm

    Adoptive moms feel this way too. It takes a long time to bond with adoptive children, especially if they are older at the time of adoption.

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    Comment by natalie
    July 30, 2008 @下午3:01

    由于严重的Preclampsia,我的儿子早产了。他曾经在我的常规检查之一的紧急情况下出生......在生育后24小时后,我经历了极端的焦虑,并且在分娩后24小时内没有看到他在尼古尔探视他时,我会在我去参观的时候崩溃,我的血压会冒着天空火箭......我被出生后4天从医院出院,只有血压才会在第二天重新录取......当我看到我的儿子挂钩到所有的电线时,我经历了极端悲伤的感觉,并且必须通过饲养管喂食......我很兴奋2 1/2周后我的儿子能够回家......。我在生育后不得不离开医院就要痛苦了.... ..Much在我的儿子回家的几天(也许一周左右)后,我的惊喜,初步兴奋地脱离了偶尔的感情抑郁症会进入.........照顾我的儿子已经成为更多的崇拜者在那个快乐......我知道我爱我的儿子,我想要最好的,但现在已经9周了,我只碰到了我儿子的联系......是的......……I don’t feel this way all the time, it just hits in spirts (i.e. maybe once or twice every 2 or 3 weeks)…….I know for sure that I do not want anymore children due to my experience……………Has anyone else experienced something like this? Will the bond eventually be here to stay?

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    August 22, 2008 @12:15 pm

    我想第二个在你的帖子中的概念。我和我的妻子和新生儿的人教一班(我们有四个孩子在五岁以下(一组双胞胎)和一个人的路上。我总是走出我的方式提及你的观点:刺激的感情可能大多数人来到大多数人。他们肯定为我做了。为什么?因为你的孩子,虽然是一个非常特殊的人,只是一个人,它几乎总是需要时间来互相发展特殊的感受。明显的例外this rule is romantic attraction, but that’s about it. You have to spend time with your baby, and the gushy feelings will develop in some way that’s unique to your relationship. One other thing to keep in mind is that your baby will not give you much in return, except for some smiles and coos. That’s not alot to keep you going, especially if your baby has any health issues.


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    May 16, 2009 @下午1:30

    爱是每个indivitual都需要爱…especially babies. There may be reasons that a child was not planned for, careers, selfish plans… or even wanted. But the baby did not ask to be born. Mothers and Fathers better learn to love their babies.. because we already have to many baby and children that are loved and are walking wounded and later can become sociopaths from a lack of love. I say get over it and love these precious gifts from God.

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    Comment by Dave
    May 17, 2009 @11:53 am


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    Comment by Trina
    May 17, 2009 @下午4:48

    Very well said Dave!! Thank you.

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    May 21, 2009 @下午2:08


  • Comment by阿曼达
    May 22, 2009 @11:53 am

    @Melissa – Oh! It does get better. I have had 2 kids and I never liked the newborn stage, so don’t feel guilty about it all. Your little girl will start smiling in the next few weeks and that makes it better. Every baby is different, but she will start sleeping through the night too and that helps.

    It is perfectly normal to feel like your baby is a chore right now. You are tired from no sleep and 40 weeks of pregnancy and then delivery! My son is almost 3 months and I am just now feeling like a normal person again.

    As for the love – it will come. It took some time with my first baby. It came quicker with my second. One day it is just going to hit you and you will realize how much you love her. It takes time. She is brand new person with her own personality. You both are still getting to know each other.

    Don’t worry – the bond will come and things do get easier!!

  • Comment bySharon M
    May 23, 2009 @1:44 AM

    @Dave - 虽然我同意你的看法,牧师罗恩可能错过了这一讨论的那一点,我会不同意你的评论,你不能“学习”爱一个人。爱是很多事情,但它也是一个decisionyou make. I have known couples from this part of the world that have taken part in arranged marriages, and there were rarely any “feelings of love” (or sometimes even mutual feelings of attraction) at the beginning; their love was something they decided to show one another, and the feelings have come with time.

    Ihad to learn to love my children, and make a daily decision to love them and show love to them, because honestly, SOME DAYS I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. Some days are easy, other days, not so much. And in the beginning, when the baby is first born, like Amanda said, there are so many overwhelming feelings swarming around inside of you, it’s hard for some of us tofeelbonded to the baby immediately. It’s reassuring to know that it comes with time.

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    Comment by MD
    June 16, 2009 @晚上12:36

    @Amanda. Thank Amanda for your comments. I so needed to hear them. I have a two week at home and am really struggling with this whole mommy business. I keep wondering if I’ve made a terrible mistake – not that her life is a mistake but…oh, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s tough and I hope it gets better soon. Thank you again for your post and the hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

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    July 23, 2009 @3:46 pm


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    Comment by v
    August 25, 2009 @7:38 am


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    Comment by Royal Princess
    2012年1月25日@10:47 am


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    Comment by Sara
    February 4, 2012 @7:37 PM.

    @Royal公主我很抱歉,这是一个悲惨的情况。我希望你能远离父亲。我肯定建议找人与你的情况交谈 - 朋友,家庭成员或顾问。如果你不知道某人,或者想和一个中立的人交谈,也许你的医生或医院可能能够推荐一个好的顾问。

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    Comment by lexi
    2012年2月12日@5:02 pm

    I found the comments here so reassuring my daughter is 3 weeks old and I have found everything a struggle, I had a bit of a traumatic time directly after her birth, but I’m glad that Im not alone and can stop feeling guilty:)

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    Comment by Ashley
    May 2, 2012 @6:27 pm

    我很高兴我在今晚正在研究绑定时发现了这些评论。我没有发现我怀孕,直到我在20周之后。它绝对是一个无计划的怀孕,你可以拥有最糟糕的时间。我的男朋友部署在阿富汗,我不得不怀孕并在没有他的情况下交付和调整。然后在几乎没有时间习惯于怀孕后,我的劳动力过早,不得不在34周内进行紧急情况。他们必须完全让我睡觉,所以我从未见过她出生或坚持她。当我走出恢复时,我的女儿已经在另一个小时后被转移到尼古尔。他们无法将我转移到那位医院,所以我没有看到她四天了。当我终于看到她时,她有一个呼吸机和饲养管,我不允许触摸或抓住她。我开始泵浦母乳,但我无法产生太多,我反复感染。 I wasn’t permitted to breastfeed. After 20 days in the NICU, my baby finally got to come home. Unfortunately, she was not able to breastfeed, and she cries all the time for hours on end. It’s hard to look at her sometimes because I think of my boyfriend in Afghanistan and miss him so much. My daughter has now been home for a little over two weeks and is a month old, and I feel ashamed that I haven’t been able to form a real bond yet. I don’t know if postpartum depression is a factor or not. I just want to fall in love with my baby, and I’m scared that it hasn’t happened yet, and I’m afraid to admit that to anyone.

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    May 7, 2012 @11:55 AM

    I’m a first time mother, who went through a pretty rough pregnancy and delivery of my little girl. It’s been 3 weeks since I brought her home and I’ve been trying to fall in love with her, but I can’t… the ‘blues’ keep getting to me and I cry every night thinking “I’m a bad mother for not loving my child!” But this was rather reassuring to me and I don’t have to feel bad that I am not at that point yet… Now, trying to get rid of my depression stage – I know it will take time before I feel “normal” again. And I hope in the next frantic weeks of this newborn stage, I can finally love my daughter.

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    Comment by Leanna
    2012年7月2日@9:41 am

    I had a real hard time when my son was born. I remember not feeling love for him and felt guilty. It took me a month I finally kneeled by my bedside and prayed to God to help me feel love for my son, after that almost instantly I felt love for my son. I also noticed a black mark on his backside and thought for the longest time I accidently did something to him that hurt him. I found out later that the black mark was a birthmark called Mongolian spots and it runs on my husband side of the family. I was so stressed after he was born. I believe I had post partum depression as well. I am pregnant again and due in January, I pray everyday that I don’t feel the same with this one. I want to love my baby as soon as it comes out.

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    August 20, 2012 @6:34 am

    Don’t forget… love is a CHOICE and an action, not a feeling. That feeling may take time, but you’re being a great loving mother by acting to take care of your baby. That’s real love!

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    October 30, 2012 @12:34 am

    I have a 2 week old and I would like to thank everyone here for their comments. When dd was born via Caesar I was instantly in love and for the first couple of days this was how it stayed however since then I have changed. I can completely associate with all the comments made especially about not knowing how to describe how I feel. I don’t hate my dd I love her on one level but its hard to feel what I want because I feel so much pressure to “look after her” and wake up to bf all the time etc etc. it’s good to know its normal and that the feelings will change I just hope it happens soon. Thanks again!

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    Comment by Trixie
    November 28, 2012 @3:09 pm

    Hi Ashley, I really hope you’re starting to feel better. It must be so difficult to deal with all of this alone, and after such a traumatic birth experience. My son had a fairly dramatic birth, resulting in an emergency c-section. He was wonderful and healthy. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him lying in the cot beside me, and I smiled at how perfect he was (also relief that it was all over, yay for not being pregnant anymore). But that was it. The next 5 weeks were hell – constant visitors, my husband was laid off from his job, we had to move house twice etc. And to make it worse, he thought he was helping by inviting HIS mother to come and stay without asking me first. Seeing a “stranger” holding my 3 day old baby when all I wanted to do was be alone with him and bond… so difficult.
    My advice, especially to first-time mothers – you’re a grown-up now, you tell people how you’re feeling if you can trust them. Tell them what you want and need. You’re the most important person, after the baby, everyone else be damned. If you think you have depression, talk to a counsellor, they’re objective and sympathetic and know how you feel. And try not to worry about never forming the bond – you will! It will hit you one day and grow over a few weeks and you’ll never look back.

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